Recently Mish had a bit of car trouble. Basically the engine shat the bed and stopped making her van move. Now when engines stop making vans move you be assured that things are about to get costly. Trying to avoid the issue for a while didn’t help so eventually Mish took it to a mechanic. The mechanic said something really technical like, it’s fucked, it may last a year, it may last one day, it’s anyone’s guess really. But to fix will cost more than a few magic beans. To Mish, this translated to, drive away and hope for the best YAY! I believe the best lasted about 45 minutes until the engine started smoking. Realising that this probably wasn’t good, and the wreckers had previously declined the addition of her van to there yard, to the tip Mish went! Luckily she made it before the van spontaneously combusted. The tip was closed, but she left it outside with a note attached. They called her the next day to confirm that they don’t usually take cars, but occasionally it happens and it costs a mere $100 to dispose of. I believe the cheque is currently in the post.
So after Mish’s success with the van, I decided to take my car in for a service after I too had avoided it for as long as humanly possible. More or less I went to the cheapest place I could find. All went well, basic service for $149, awesome. However since then my car has been making making some strange noises. I am fairly certain that during REM sleep Freddy Krueger appeared in my dream and using my ninja skills I managed to trap him in the muffler in my car. Now the fucker wants out however and it’s causing me a fairly large degree of annoyance. My muffler is not much better and has split in the struggle to contain Freddy. I am fairly confident I can resolve both the noise issue and also keep that cunt in the muffler with good old fashioned duct tape. Sure I could go to the mechanic and have it replace but that would be admitting defeat! And did I mention the $$$$$???
I have been super quite. Like a very tiny, tiny mouse, drunk in a tiny house made of cheese and slightly soaked in shiraz.
The Canadian in the office has confirmed my worst fear. We are in a 5 weekend pay cycle. That means 5 weekends in which to budget and fail dismally. Usually by weekend 2. This has forced me to find other ways to escape reality and my self inflicted financial state of ruin. (can you say first world problems?)
Here are some free things I have been doing.
I have been watching SEASONS of Heartbreak High. And when I say SEASONS, I mean I started at season 1 episode 1 and I have nearly finished season 6. What can I say? I love Anita and Drazic! This was, of course before Drazic had that car accident and his face because what is commonly referred to as bung eyed. Its making me yearn for the 90’s big time. Remember when your school mates used to unpick the seam on there jeans up to the knee and use a triangle of fluro faux fur to make substitute bell bottoms? Actually there was only one weirdo at school who used to do that and it was me, but I still love it in a Dylan Lewis is still on Recovery kinda way and sometimes I get a killer need to tie dye a nightie just for old times sake.
Fare Evading. I managed to weasel my way outta the latest tram fine I received. Yes I know fare evading is wrong, but I sometimes I still do it. If your one of those people who ‘do good’ and ‘deserve to be here’ it may well pacify you to know that now I actually have been sufficiently scared into purchasing tickets on public transport.
Reading Yahoo News. I know this is bad. Really bad. A slippery slope even. This is the online equivalent to watching a current affair. Now however I can actually hold a conversation with my mum without having to stifle the urge to suffocate her with a pillow when she discusses the ‘topical’ issues of our days.
Locking my keys in the car. Yes I am stupid. Lucky I have a spare set at home and have hade been successful is arranging good mates to send them my way in times of need. This is good because I have been to tight to join the RACV.
I got my hair cut. Into a bowl shape. I now bear a striking resemblance to Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber. I am very happy about this. VERY.
Hello thought you would like to hear of an abject poverty page success story. And when I say success I mean FAIL. Lunch today was of course steak, which I shared with a work colleague. Canadian informed me today that he has very successfully spent $200 since being paid at 8pm last night. Considering we were lunching at the traditional time of 12pm, I feel this is a pretty awesome feat and deserves a big clap. As apart of his awesomeness he also offered to buy me a free lunch if I went to second base. I declined. Regretfully I have some sort of standard. I feel this is currently separating me form the beggars and prostitutes on the 86. GO STANDARDS!
Ps despite my new found fortune, I have rent +car insurance + a fine to pay + I am going to a vintage sale tomorrow. This means I am not leaving this page ever and you are all stuck with my updates form now until I sober up. Please accept my sincere apologies for this. *reaches for the Shiraz*
I GOT PAID
PAY = STEAK
+ WINE =
A BIT PISSED A WORK
DAY DOES NOT GO QUICKER
DIVIDE BY MINI CUPCAKES
I just came up with an idea that is pure fucking genius. Well actually that’s a lie. Me and rummy (housemate no1) were sitting on the couch eating the Germans (housemate no 2) chocolate and she was all like, you should totes blog about this, and I was all like totes. Anyway it’s a very economical tip. Its called eating housemate’s chocolate. Even if you are slightly retarded or just bit of a dip shit in general, I am sure you can figure out where this is going. EAT YOUR HOUSEMATES CHOCOLATE.
But you can add to the shitness of this act 10 fold by following my lead. Heres an example of what I do. Recently, the German bought a packet of Lindt chocolate after I publicly shamed her on Facebook about eating a piece of mine. The German graciously replaced the missing chocolate, and then some. Not being content with that, me and rummy found the remaining chocolate that she has rather unskilfully hid on her pantry shelf. Firstly we ate only one piece each, which would be easily over looked by the German. Then we realised that one was not enough because we are giant chocolate whores, so we ate the rest. To really top off our awesomeness we put ALL the wrappers back in the packet. Then put the packet back on her shelf. You might think, wow you guys sound like cunt’s, and you might be on to something there, but WE ate the chocolate and YOU did not! AND FUCK IT WAS GOOD! I highly recommend having a partner in crime for this. Not only is there safety in numbers, it also makes it more fun. It’s very common in our house that we combine forces like a really shit, no budget version of the power rangers and sniff out the chocolate together.
However be warned that this has a down side. Once you set up a precedence for eating your housemates chocolate, it’s more than likely they will start eating yours. I find its takes about an hour after I bring chocolate into the house before rummy is sniffing at my door like one of those truffle hunting dogs. I can be all like chilling in my room when suddenly, I hear heavy panting, I look to the door, there is a wet nose and a patch of moisture where the condensation of her heavy breathing is forming on the floor. She’s found me out. There is no escape. I have to share. At this point if you don’t share you will be the all time worst housemate ever. While I support taking advantage of your housemate as much as you can, if you push it too far, living with them will just be shit. And you really don’t want that. Or do you?
IT’S THE DAY BEFORE PAY DAY. I confess I do not enjoy being in such an impoverished state. I already spent my allocated dollar for the day on a strong soy latte with only half the milk. As this went over budget, I am currently in a deficit. Lucky for me I had the forethought to purchase a 1litre bottle of Shiraz so that I am more or less able to drink my way into the next pay check. My current activities include hatching multiple plans that involve spending my cash monies as soon as I have it in my hot little hands. I already have a steak date with my work colleague which will also involve a sneaky wine at lunch meaning I come back to work a bit pissed. GREAT IDEA, RIGHT?
Its death week and I am failing epically. I just checked my bank account and I have precisely $3.13. That’s not even enough to buy a soy latte. Hipsters everywhere ring the bell on your fixie if you share my pain.
That leaves me $1.04 till pay day which will be approx 8 pm this thurs.
Heres a story that illustrates why Kate and Mish created this page. (This is a dramatization of actual events that happened this weekend)
Mish ; Hey Kate, wanna go to the tip shop?
Kate: Hells yes!
Mish: Ok lets go! But wait, I have work so we won’t have enough time to spend all the money we don’t have.
Kate: That sound very logical, Ok, want to go to Savers instead?
Mish: Hells yes!